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Why It’s Always The End Of The World

            From the Annals of “The National Liar”:             Why It’s Always The End Of The World                     Discreditorial for April 1, 1996             Discerning readers of this fine journal may have noticed that it always reports the end of the world. That report is always on the front page, and what is more, it is always the second most important story. We have destroyed the world many different ways; by solar nova, asteroid impact, nuclear war, black hole absorption, and (for this issue) Judgement Day. The end is always sudden and complete; yet it never seems to have any noticeable effect on the average person’s everyday life.           Why is this so?           Why is it always the end of the world?   ...
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Unused headlines for The National Liar

             Unused headlines for The National Liar             “Every Rumor Unfit To Print!”       ELVIS RISES FROM THE DEAD! Thousands witness saucer miracle!   JFK ASSASSINATES REAGAN! Nation Rejoices!   WATER FLOWS UPHILL! Sun Rises In West Time An Illusion!   HONEST POLITICAN FOUND!!!   COLD WAR HOAX! America and Russia were allies!   “Big Bang” Boo-Boo Cosmos An Industrial Accident!   SHARK-EATING MAN Fish swim in terror!   YETI ELECTED PRESIDENT Snowman orders invasion of Tibet   Drug Czar Addict! “The Devil Made Me Do It!” sobs deposed narc.   Santa’s Elves On Strike Demand overtime pay for six-month nights!   Mr. Ed could talk!   Relativity Refuted Hiroshima unscathed!   INCUMBENT DEFEATED!   POPE PROVES   1+1=1 !!!   ...
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War On Drugs Succeeds

                 From the Annals of “The National Liar”:         War On Drugs Succeeds              Washington, D.C. -   “We’ve won!” declared an exultant Drug Czar. “America has given up all drugs forever!”           Shocking? Yes. Unexpected? Yes indeed; but true. Secret government reports leaked today by the DEA reveal that no Americans anywhere this year have purchased or consumed any mind-altering substances, legal or otherwise; and that furthermore no Americans plan to purchase any more drugs, now or in the foreseeable future.           Sunshine Headly, self-confessed ‘space case’ from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district, said, “They tell me not to smoke any more weed ever again, and how could I possibly disobey?   Never mind that it’s available on every street-corner in the country; what the M...
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Solar Nova – World Destroyed

From the annals of the National Liar Volume 0, #0, April 1, 1993 Solar Nova – World Destroyed             At precisely, 12:57 A.M. Greenwich Mean Time, on May 1, 1984, the core of the Sun collapsed. In the resulting fiery rebound, the Sun went super-nova. It consumed its entire supply of fusile matter in a stupendous thermonuclear explosion.           Eight minutes later, the light, heat and radiation of the solar nova impacted the planet Earth. The blast hit so hard that every living creature on the day side perished instantly; all life on the night side died minutes later; and within hours the globe itself was vaporized.           Earth does not exist. You do not exist. This paper does not exist. You are not reading this paper. You only think you are.           Reaction to the solar nova w...
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Lois Lane Dumps Superman

                 Lois Lane Dumps Superman             Metropolis - In a tearful public announcement, famed Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane broke off her engagement to Superman. When asked why, she shocked the crowd of fellow-reporters by declaring that she feared for her life.           “You all think of him as a big blue Boy Scout, but I know him better than that,” she said bitterly. “If you knew him and his neuroses as well as I do, he wouldn’t seem so super.” Distraught and angry, Ms. Lane denounced the Man of Steel’s many personal shortcomings. She categorized him as “impersonal”, “obsessive”, “a control freak”, “schizoid”, “weird”, even “inhuman”.           That last accusation came as no surprise, given Kal-El’s extraterrestrial origin; nor was her revelation of his ‘secret’ identity as...
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Ask Dr. Psience

          From the Annals of “The National Liar”:           Ask Dr. Psience                Dear Dr. Psience:           Every time I wash my socks, I always lose one. Sometimes a sock shows up that I’ve never seen before. Where do they go to? Where do they come from?                              Signed, Barefoot.                Dear Barefoot:           They enter hyperspace. The darkness, heat, moisture, rotation and static electricity inside dryers generate a magnetogravitic field capable of projecting small articles of clothing into another dimension. Once ejected from the space/time continuum, your socks travel at many ...
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No, Virginia

         From the Annals of “The National Liar”:        Discreditorial for October 31, 1995          No, Virginia             Dear Discreditor:           All my friends keep telling me about Santa Claus; how he’ll come and give me toys and candy and lots of other wonderful gifts. They say I’ll get this loot if I act as if I’m a good little girl; then Santa will be fooled and he’ll reward me.           But I’ve been thinking lately, so now I wonder. Can Santa Claus really see all the children? All over the world? And even if he can, how does he figure out who’s naughty and who’s nice? And how does he make all those presents? And how can he get them to us on time? And isn’t it just a bit wicked to bribe little children to pretend they’re good? ...
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