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“Beige People” Issue Protest

                 From the annals of the National Liar Volume 3, #1, April 1, 1996        “Beige People” Issue Protest             “We’re not white; we’re beige!” declared Elmo Earl of the Beige People’s Liberation Front. The infamous racial demagogue proclaimed to thousands of cheering followers, “Snow is white. Paper is white. Milk and soap suds are white. Clouds are white. Bones are white. But we aren’t. We’re another color. We’re beige! ”           Mr. Earl pointed out that the color of paper and the color of Caucasian skin are clearly distinguishable to the eye. He argued, “Suppose you went down to the grocer and got a carton of milk. If it turned out to be full of a liquid exactly the same color I am, would you drink it? No you wouldn’t! You’d bring it back for a refund! And why? Because milk is wh...
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On Cootie-Powered Idea Theft

On Cootie-Powered Idea Theft Written during the Obama administration   Normally, when you steal an idea from someone, then that person gets to keep the idea. In fact that person gets to take credit, and boast ‘at last you have caught up to me’.   But what if you could steal someone’s ideas in a way that they can’t take credit, and must even repudiate? What if you could steal an idea out of someone’s head, so they don’t have it any more? Impossible, you say? But we have witnessed just this happening with Barack Obama versus the Republican Party. Over and over he has taken their ideas, which they have repudiated! He has stolen so many of their own ideas out of their heads that they must now run on bad ideas, or no ideas at all! Why is this so? How is it even possible? I blame Cooties. Cooties are a children’s schoolyard fiction. They are a kind of invisible magical lice, undetectable to the bearer, but intolerable to everyone else. They contaminate individuals, and a...
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The Situation Room Photo

            The Situation Room Photo                   Written during the Obama administration                     On the off chance that you haven't seen the Situation Room photo, here's a link:                        http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitehouse/5680724572/in/set-72157626507626189/                   I write to comment. First of all, whoever took this photo deserves a Pulitzer. It is a revelation. Here I discuss six of its subjects, whom I nickname the General, the Spook in the Suit, the Jester, the Angel, the Seasick Secretary, and President Thundercloud.                   Starting with the General: he's the center of the photo, and he's the only calm person in the room. Everyone around him is wracked ...
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Neither Warfare nor Justice

                Neither Warfare nor Justice                Written during the Obama administration                   What shall we call the bin Laden slaying? For it seems to be neither warfare nor justice.                One of my friends called it "expediency", which sounds about right, and it fits Barack Obama to a T. Or you could euphemize it as "irregular warfare".                Another of my friends said "he needed killing." This too sounds about right, and it fits Osama bin Laden to a T. Or you could euphemize it as "justified homicide".                So what you call Obama's killing of Osama depends on if you have ...
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American Showdown!!!

  Ding! Ding! American Showdown!!! In this corner! Leo XIV, American Pope, The Woke Pope, Imitator of Christ! Versus! In that corner! Donald Trump, American President, The MAGA Menace, Imitator of the Anti-Christ! Let the tweeting begin!
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Telepresence Model of FTL

           Telepresence Model of FTL             Space colonization by humans, rather than robots, is a negative-profit venture. Maybe you can con some cultists, and force some convicts, to live in a tin can forever: but it’ll be cheaper to put those losers on Antarctica. Meanwhile robots will do the exploring and mining. Robots are made for space; we’re made for this paradise planet. Telepresence is the best spacesuit! I speculate that the main use for FTL communication will be to control telepresence robots. Put on the gloves and goggles, and you are there! FTL itself is for sending the robots there, and manufactured products back. The Telepresence Model of FTL Exploration is that it is done entirely by telepresence. Humans stay on Earth. They send the telepresence robots by FTL to a distant star system: humans on Earth put on goggles and gloves, and see though the robot’s cameras, and move things ...
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TANSTAAFL Decoded

TANSTAAFL Decoded   TANSTAAFL stands for “There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch”. This sound-bite, popularized by Heinlein in “The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress”, has some serious problems. For one thing, almost half of it is filler. “Such Thing As A”: those four words, out of nine, add nothing. They aren’t needed, even for grammar. Without them it reads “There Ain’t No Free Lunch”, which says the same in 5/9ths of the words. ******* From the personal log of the leader of an Expedition into the Heinlein Desert: Word 1, “Such”. We have entered the Heinlein Desert. The landscape is bleak and supplies are low. Word 2, “Thing”. We are out of food and low on water. Word 3, “As”. Water gone. Morale low. Conditions desperate. Word 4, “A”. Most of us dead. A curse on the Heinlein Desert. ******* And even if we bypass the Heinlein Desert, “there ain’t no free lunch” has a double negative in it. Now, I ain’t against “ain’t”: it’s a wonderfully warm word, which deserves g...
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