Paradox Point

          Abolish Daylight Savings Time   Here I ride a favorite hobbyhorse of mine; the absurdity and unhealthiness of Daylight Savings Time.             Twice a year the State officiously interferes with the clock, and with people’s sleep cycles. Twice a year, the entire country suffers from an hour’s worth of jet-lag. Twice a year there is a spike in illness and accidents. This, plus lost productivity, would certainly not be zero, and possibly more than any putative savings on evening lighting. Has anyone done the statistics?          And as if that weren’t enough, Congress keeps extending DST to absurdly late in the year. Why not complete the nonsense and make it all year round? “Fall back” is bad enough, but “Spring forward” means we all lose an hour of sleeping-in time. Each Spring I must start each day in pitch black.         ...

       On Hoplodementia           Written in the 1990’s   The suffix “hoplo-” means “weapon”. This suggests words; “hoplophobia”, meaning fear of weapons; “hoplophilia”, meaning love of weapons; and “hoplodementia”, meaning mindlessness about weapons.           Our plague of armed murderous beta-males is a clear instance of such mindlessness, but I think the mindlessness is far more widespread that that. Consider for instance Ben Carson’s lame-o brag that we all should rush the next shooter, for that is what he would do. Except that when he was stuck-up at a Popeyes, he said, “I believe you want that man behind the counter”. Many have mocked his cravenness at that moment, but I don’t mind; it was a rational cowardice; what I object to was his idiotic braggadocio.           The thing is, not only is hoplophobia rational;...

                 Nuclear Blatancy Day, a Modest Proposal               I have concerns about the political dangers of a standing nuclear army; yet I also agree that SAC’s power to destroy civilization should not be in the hands of recruits. How, then, do we reconcile citizen armies with nuclear technology?            Jonathan Schell offers a partial solution in his book, “The Abolition”, which proposes that the USA become a “latent” nuclear power; that is, that it dismantle all actual nuclear bombs, but retain (and indeed strengthen) its ability to swiftly build those bombs. We keep the know-how and the infrastructure and the fissile materials, but hold off on building the accursed things unless we need them right away. You could call it just-in-time civicide; like taking the bullet out of the rifle over the fireplace. Nuclear latency ...

            From the annals of the National Liar Volume 0, #0, April 1, 1993 From the Discreditor’s Desk: The Vested Interest Phenomenon   We here at the National Liar naturally take strong interest in politics. What better place to find material suited for publication here? Who but a politician would call himself a liberal and prove it by writing thousands of new government regulations? Or call himself a conservative and prove it by spending the nation $2,000,000,000,000 into debt?           Liberals do not liberate and conservatives do not conserve. Why is this so? Why does communism lead to communal warfare, and capitalism lead to national bankruptcy? Why does welfare spending cause poverty, and defense spending cause warfare? When merchants run a country, consumers lose their jobs; when spies run a country, nobody knows what’s going on; when lawyers run a country, everybody becomes a lawbreak...

            From the Annals of “The National Liar”:             Why It’s Always The End Of The World                     Discreditorial for April 1, 1996             Discerning readers of this fine journal may have noticed that it always reports the end of the world. That report is always on the front page, and what is more, it is always the second most important story. We have destroyed the world many different ways; by solar nova, asteroid impact, nuclear war, black hole absorption, and (for this issue) Judgement Day. The end is always sudden and complete; yet it never seems to have any noticeable effect on the average person’s everyday life.           Why is this so?           Why is it always the end of the world?   ...

             Unused headlines for The National Liar             “Every Rumor Unfit To Print!”       ELVIS RISES FROM THE DEAD! Thousands witness saucer miracle!   JFK ASSASSINATES REAGAN! Nation Rejoices!   WATER FLOWS UPHILL! Sun Rises In West Time An Illusion!   HONEST POLITICAN FOUND!!!   COLD WAR HOAX! America and Russia were allies!   “Big Bang” Boo-Boo Cosmos An Industrial Accident!   SHARK-EATING MAN Fish swim in terror!   YETI ELECTED PRESIDENT Snowman orders invasion of Tibet   Drug Czar Addict! “The Devil Made Me Do It!” sobs deposed narc.   Santa’s Elves On Strike Demand overtime pay for six-month nights!   Mr. Ed could talk!   Relativity Refuted Hiroshima unscathed!   INCUMBENT DEFEATED!   POPE PROVES   1+1=1 !!!   ...