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Lois Lane Dumps Superman

                 Lois Lane Dumps Superman             Metropolis - In a tearful public announcement, famed Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane broke off her engagement to Superman. When asked why, she shocked the crowd of fellow-reporters by declaring that she feared for her life.           “You all think of him as a big blue Boy Scout, but I know him better than that,” she said bitterly. “If you knew him and his neuroses as well as I do, he wouldn’t seem so super.” Distraught and angry, Ms. Lane denounced the Man of Steel’s many personal shortcomings. She categorized him as “impersonal”, “obsessive”, “a control freak”, “schizoid”, “weird”, even “inhuman”.           That last accusation came as no surprise, given Kal-El’s extraterrestrial origin; nor was her revelation of his ‘secret’ identity as...
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Ask Dr. Psience

          From the Annals of “The National Liar”:           Ask Dr. Psience                Dear Dr. Psience:           Every time I wash my socks, I always lose one. Sometimes a sock shows up that I’ve never seen before. Where do they go to? Where do they come from?                              Signed, Barefoot.                Dear Barefoot:           They enter hyperspace. The darkness, heat, moisture, rotation and static electricity inside dryers generate a magnetogravitic field capable of projecting small articles of clothing into another dimension. Once ejected from the space/time continuum, your socks travel at many ...
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No, Virginia

         From the Annals of “The National Liar”:        Discreditorial for October 31, 1995          No, Virginia             Dear Discreditor:           All my friends keep telling me about Santa Claus; how he’ll come and give me toys and candy and lots of other wonderful gifts. They say I’ll get this loot if I act as if I’m a good little girl; then Santa will be fooled and he’ll reward me.           But I’ve been thinking lately, so now I wonder. Can Santa Claus really see all the children? All over the world? And even if he can, how does he figure out who’s naughty and who’s nice? And how does he make all those presents? And how can he get them to us on time? And isn’t it just a bit wicked to bribe little children to pretend they’re good? ...
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Nuclear War! No Survivors

           From the Annals of the National Liar V1#1, October 31, 1994             Nuclear War!   No Survivors             Washington – Early this morning, nuclear war broke out between the United States and the Soviet Union. In a furious exchange of deadly thermonuclear explosives, the two superpower societies quickly destroyed each other, civilization, the human species, and life on Earth.           “Finally, the other shoe dropped,” said Ronald Reagan, four times President of the United States and architect of its annihilation. “Well, it’s all over now.”           “Life was good,” said Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. “For a moment there I thought we could make peace; but in the end it turned out that the people and their leaders preferred death....
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Three Pillars of Pseudocracy

           From the annals of the National Liar           V2#2, October 31, 1995           Three Pillars of Pseudocracy             Pseudocracy is government of the lies, by the lies, and for the lies; it is where yes becomes no, up becomes down, bad becomes good, and true becomes false. Naturally pseudocracy is paradoxical; double-think is how it (un) works.           Pseudocracy, being a form of government (albeit the worst one) has three manifestations; via the Sword, the Coin, or the Pen – that is, by force, by trade, or by dialog. Pseudocracy corrupts each of these, via:           Negative Justice – corrupting the State;           Counter-Efficiency – corrupting the ...
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Nobel Peace Prize Abolished

                 From the annals of the National Liar           V1#1, October 31, 1994         Nobel Peace Prize Abolished             Stockholm, Sweden – The Nobel Peace Prize committee has unanimously agreed to award no more Peace Prizes, on the grounds that the Peace Prize is a threat to world peace.           “It’s a consistent pattern,” said one prominent committee member. “Every time we award a Peace Prize, war breaks out. It seems that politicians stay on their best behavior until we, in effect, give them the go-ahead.”           “It’s not too surprising, given the quality of the recipients. We’ve awarded many more Peace Prizes to terrorists than to saints. Consider for instance Arafat; or for that matter ...
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The Amorous Arsonist

The Amorous Arsonist   Once upon a time a man fell passionately in love with a firefighter. But he feared to approach his beloved; so instead he set fires just to see his beloved arrive to put those fires out, while he watched from hiding. But one day the firefighter found him out. The firefighter said, “Who in Hell do you think you are? I never knew you. Get out of my sight!”    Moral: Love honestly or not at all.   Comment: Some Evangelicals celebrate disaster as a sign of the second coming of Christ. Evidently they haven’t thought this through. Their perversity inspired me to write this fable. Consider it as a reductio-ad-absurdum refutation of their ideology.    
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