Get Me Rewrite!

Get Me Rewrite!

  

         I swear, it’s as if sometimes the news is a cruddy action movie directed by Edward Wood, Hollywood’s worst director, and scripted by Cordwainer Bird, its most cynical scriptwriter. I want my time refunded. Siskel and Ebert say two thumbs down!
          I see the brainstorming scene going like this:

Wood: I’m greenlighted for a project, and I want you on board.

Bird: Great, boss! Whatcha got?

Wood: An action movie.

Bird: Aww, maaan, I hate action movies! So crass! So stupid!

Wood: I know, I know...

Bird: They’re always riddled with plot holes! It’s like the writers don’t care! There’s no respect for logic! Or art! Or the audience!

Wood: Tell me all about it!

Bird: Is making this movie part of some money laundering scheme?

Wood: Look, are you in or not? The pay’s good.

Bird: You bet I’m in! If the producer wants a piece-of-shit script, then Cordwainer Bird can poop one right out!

Wood: That’s the spirit! So can you do explosions?

Bird: Sure I can do explosions! You want pressure-cooker IEDs or a big fertilizer bomb?

Wood: Why not both?

Bird: Okay, both! How do I tie them together?

Wood: Why bother?

Bird: Okay, a couple IEDs, and a completely unrelated massive industrial accident! That’ll keep the audience guessing!

Wood: And have the accident kill five times more people than the IEDs.

Bird: Ah, you want loser terrorists? Can do!

Wood: Can you do anthrax?

Bird: Anthrax is lame-o. How about ricin?

Wood: Ricin it is. Mailed to a Democrat and a Republican.

Bird: That makes sense. A related attack, or not?

Wood: Oh, I don’t know... let’s say unrelated.

Bird: More misdirection, good. The audience won’t know what hit them ‘til they leave the theater and notice that their wallets are thinner.

Wood: Give me a carjacking, a chase scene, a shoot-out, and a city locked down for a man-hunt.

Bird: Standard fare. I could write it in my sleep. Now let’s get to the plot, if any. Time? Place? Bad guy? Good guys?

Wood: The good guys are the cops, plus a zillion citizen detectives with phone cameras and Internet connections.

Bird: Ah, a futuristic policier! Tasty!

Wood: Time and place of the money shot... something all-American. Wholesome and fun.... I got it; the Boston Marathon.

Bird: So this is a sports flick too. But why the Boston Marathon?

Wood: Why not?

Bird: You’re right, it doesn’t have to make any sense, it just has to make an impression. So: two IEDs at the Boston Marathon.

Wood: At the finish line of the Boston Marathon. On Patriot’s Day. And it’s also Tax Day.

Bird: Wave that flag, bro. It’s not just red-white-and-blue; it’s green. So who gets offed?

Wood: An 8-year-old boy, and two young women; one a local, the other a Chinese grad student. Later, a cop.

Bird: Very good! Go for quality, not quantity!

Wood: Speaking of quantity, lots of lopped-off legs. Buckets of blood on the sidewalk. Yet the wounded all survive.

Bird: A medical heroism flick too, good. And the bad guys are what? White supremacists? Islamists? Wacko loners?

Wood: Why not all three?

Bird: White supremacist Moslems? That doesn’t make any sense!

Wood: So what?

Bird: No, really, it doesn’t work! Nor does loners, plural!

Wood: Alright, already... just white Moslems, drop the supremacist. And they’re a pair of loners, like at Columbine. It’s a buddy flick.

Bird: No, they’re brothers, it’s a family flick.

Wood: A dysfunctional family flick. Their uncle despises them.

Bird: Groovy! But… white Moslems? And what’s their motivation?

Wood: Lemme think... I got it! They’re Chechens!

Bird: Chechens?! That’s Russia’s headache, not ours!

Wood: Like you said, it doesn’t have to make any sense. Besides, they’re alienated loners, meaning they’re idiots.

Bird: How to make friends and influence people. Got it.

Wood: They need names. Something weird and Slavic.

Bird: How about... Tsarnaev?

Wood: How about what?

Bird: Tsarnaev! I put tsar in it! And naive!

Wood: Ah, the magic of scriptwriting. Their first names?

Bird: Tamerlan. Dzhokhar.

Wood: Tamurlane? Joker?! Nobody will believe that!

Bird: Tamurlane’s for the supernatural fans, and Joker’s for the hipsters, they love anything metafictive.

Wood: Breaking the fourth wall? I have a bad feeling about this. We’ll need a happy ending.

Bird: Tamurlane falls in a hail of bullets, and Joker gets caught hiding in a backyard boat.

Wood: Cute detail!

Bird: Next flick; the trial.

Wood: Jackpot!

Cordwainer Bird and Ed Wood shake hands.