Occurrence at Bond Creek Bridge

Occurrence at Bond Creek Bridge

 

Once upon a time, a band of men in military uniforms marched their captive, James Bond, to Bond Creek Bridge. They put a noose around his neck and fastened the other end to a truss on Bond Creek Bridge. They forced him to the edge. He looked around and up. The men pushed him off the edge.

A moment of free-fall… then the rope broke. Bond landed on his feet. The men opened fire on him; he rolled out of the way, then fired back. Five shots; six men fell. More gunfire, more deaths, none his. He made his escape, with the others in hot pursuit.

In the ensuing action-packed chase, Bond won every confrontation due to his invincible plot armor. He never ran out of ammo. He killed and betrayed. One of his victims warned him, “You’re lying to yourself! RIGHT N-” then Bond shot her. Q said, “You fool! Plot armor doesn’t work against –” Bang! Bond quipped, “How twisted.”

Bond’s final confrontation:

Queen: “I revoke your license to kill.”

Bond (aims gun): “I wouldn’t say that if I were you, Your Majesty.”

Queen: “You cannot harm me. You are lying!”

Bond: “To you?”

Queen: “You are lying to yourself. Right now!”

Bond fired seven shots.

Bond: “I’ve always wanted to do that. I could use a drink.”

A voice from behind him called, “Over here!”

Bond turned around; behind him was a bar, with drinkers and bartender. Bond approached the bar. The drinkers welcomed his approach. They were all Bond villains; Goldfinger, Blofeld, and the bartender was Dr. No. Bond ordered a martini, stirred not shaken. Dr. No offered him one.

Bond reached for the drink, but he heard a loud

CRACK!

-         and he sank to his knees.

 

Back at Bond Creek Bridge, James Bond hung from a rope, dead. His executioners marched off to the sound of marching music.

 

Moral: Mary Sue must die!

 

Comment:

Plot armor doesn’t work against a plot twist. Ambrose Bierce showed the way, in “Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge”. You can execute a Mary Sue! Their improbable Mary Sue antics are just part of the illusion-trap. Even the worst Mary Sue is vulnerable to this attack.

And since the whole thing was all in James Bond’s mind, he got to do, and we got to see, what he really wanted to do all along.

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