Why No Weapons Church?

Why No Weapons Church?

   

In another essay I asked why there are no churches that hire their worshipers. Now I ask why there are no churches that worship weapons. By this I do not mean worship of Mars or other war gods; I mean worship of the weapons themselves, with their godlike power of dealing death. Put a rifle over the altar, burn incense to a katana, and display other deadly holy relics. The stained glass is mostly red, everyone is armed, and every sermon is about the divinity of weapons. It can claim protection under First and Second Amendments

This would work as a paid-worship church. The devout walk in, punch their time card, then chant, dance, speak in tongues, etc.; then punch out their time card and go home; and every second week get paid.      

The worshipers don’t pay, they get paid. Technically, this makes the worshipers prostitutes; an accusation they embrace. “You sheep get shorn, but we bitches get paid.” In a sense, then, paid worship is a more honest system than the usual.      

Attendance will be good, but where does the money really come from? The paid-worship church will credit its god. The check cleared; it’s a miracle! The real sources will include untaxed charity, plutocratic ego, tax-supported welfarism, video and art sales... and laundering dirty money. The last is where the big bux are, and the hardest to prove.

Which brings me to the weapons church. This fits shady dealings like jelly fits peanut butter. Paid-worship might work; make it a weapons church, and it’ll work even better. Any combination of church, state and market this toxic is bound to be a huge success.      

So I think this can work, at least in a fiction story. Maybe a noir detective tale; our hero investigates the Church of Coyote, and shocking truths are revealed. Hmm...

 

 

 

 

Comments from friends:

 

DSL:

Your notion of what constitutes a church is too narrowly conventional . Looking for a church that worships weapons? What the fuck do you think the NRA is?

 

NH:

You are quite right, and this is a satire. I merely propose that the gun-worshipers make formal and explicit what is now informal and implicit - and thus, as I mentioned, gain formal First Amendment protections, as a church.

So let us name that weapons church the Nihilists for the Reverence of Armaments (NRA); and let them declare each new school massacre a Holy Day.

Further suggestions are welcome.

 

LF:

Because the worshippers are supposed to *do* the paying!  A paid-worship church wouldn’t make nearly as much $$.

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*Snerk*  It wouldn’t work because the vast majority of real gun-owners know perfectly well that a gun is an inanimate object that works no better than the conscious human holding it.

 

TP:

“Attendance will be good, but where does the money really come from? The paid-worship church will credit its god. The check cleared; it’s a miracle!”

I was about to criticize Nathaniel’s idea because the whole idea of a church is for the money to flow in the other direction.  The I read Dana’s reply.

Dana, you are on the right path, but the NRA does not hire its worshippers.  And it cannot, for it would soon run out of money.  Besides, the NRA is too provincial.  Any self-respecting church would be international in scope.

I would suggest that the central banks, which can never run out of money, are the worldwide institution that you are looking for.  They are most certainly worshipped.  It is widely believed that thay have the power to create and destroy.  For example, in our country, Wall Street and Washington, D.C. are teeming with devout worshippers, who anxiously await the next pronouncement by Pope Yellin.

We are in the midst of a crusade against the few nations on this planet that lack a (privately owned) central bank.  Such nations are cursed and despised.  A few decades ago there were more, but the crusade has taken care of most of them.  Lebanon and South Africa have been conquered, and are now in the fold.  Syria and North Korea are among the last holdouts.